Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 18 - The Atheistic "Jesus Christ" Moment

Good day/night, whatever it may be, wherever you are reading this.  In recent posts I have "come out" as an atheist.  This didn't happen right away, it was a gradual understanding that began to lift the shroud from my eyes.  For those of you that haven't read my past posts, I would suggest quickly reading [The Thorn: http://temporalrelativity.blogspot.com/2011/10/day-16-thorn.html] and [I'm Coming Out: http://temporalrelativity.blogspot.com/2011/06/day-12-im-coming-out.html].  Those should give you a good synapses of my upbringing and realizations.

This post is a little different, however.  I feel as if I am having some type of crisis because of all this "transitioning and understanding".  The amazing thing about religion, as warped as it is, is that you get a nice little package.  You are born because of some "god" given reason, you live for some "god" given reason and you die for some "god" given reason.  Then, you live on into eternity in some alter-dimension of awesomeness (or complete misery depending on how things go).

The hard part of this, which, ironically is the comforting part, is that you don't have to question anything.  If you do happen to question something that is grand or deep in understanding you just have to "know" that "god works in mysterious ways"...  Again, I'm completely out of this brainwashed business, but I've run into a problem, the crisis I mentioned.  I am calling it "The Atheistic Jesus Christ Moment".  Any good Xian (Christian for those asking what this means) knows the story of Jesus Christ wandering the town and the hills and his "WTF" moment.  He suddenly realizes that God put him on Earth to just die for the sins of mankind and save all of our souls.  JC, being partly human, is understandably pissed off and starts freaking out, in that hippie/pacifist kind of way.  The details aren't as relevant as the overall concept, JC realizes what he is and doesn't understand why it is going down this way.  This is where I am, for different reasons of course.

I have, of course, have realized that the probability of some "ultra deity" is insanely minute.  I can't completely say there isn't something because I simply don't know, but it seems pretty certain.  Additionally, this means there is no "afterlife" or Holy War, or anything for that matter.  It means that, in the most probable case, we are simply an organization of energy existing in a vast network of organized energetic entities.  We have no direct purpose, there is no karma, and, most importantly, when this body gives out, I am gone.  Out of everything, it is the last part that is freaking me the hell out.

I am very cool with the unplanned organization of our existence.  To me, it's the randomness that makes it all so beautiful.  The fact that a beautiful sunset occurs simply because of the arrangement of molecules in the atmosphere and angle of light from the sun.  That is beautiful because it just happens and I love that. 

On the flip side, it's the ending that is driving me crazy.  The simple idea that when my "spark" extinguishes I will cease to exist in mind, body, and spirit.  I am simply a collection of organic molecules and organisms coexisting in a time-bound harmony.  Much like a star exists in harmony with it's supply of hydrogen, but a star isn't conscious.  It doesn't see its own beauty over a neighboring planet's horizon.  It doesn't create and raises organic copies of itself as we do.  It doesn't stop to make the decision to be an atheist or a theist, it just is.  But for me, that isn't enough.  I can't get the idea out of my mind, like a black hole it consumes my thoughts.  Descartes said "I think, therefore I am."  What about "I think, therefore I am not"?  Because we think, we die... without thought there would not be conscious existence and without conscious existence there would not be death...

I would love to hear from fellow atheists, both recent and seasoned on how (if you have) you dealt with this issue and these questions.  I feel like I was dreaming on a raft in the middle of an ocean and have awaken.  The initial pleasure of knowing that I am truly awake is/was fantastic, however the idea that I'm floating on a raft in the middle of an ocean is slowly sinking in...

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